Hey guys -

I'm looking for someone with a good camera and some photography skillz to help me out. I need to take some rock-star style press and promo photos. I was thinking maybe on the lake. Anyone wanna help a brotha out?

Well, I arrived back in Chicago this morning after spending four months at sea and four days with my parents, allowing them to meet my new(-ish) boyfriend Allen. I don't know if I've talked about him before - Allen and I have been dating for six months now. We met through paladincub21 and we not only survived the four months apart, but the relationship flourished. I am quite in love, I have to admit.

As nice as that is, I am also totally off-balance today. Three hours of sleep, all that time with my parents, and arriving in the midst of a monster snowstorm has left me anxious, unable to focus, and overwhelmed. I am hoping a good night's sleep will put this to rights.

So, I've been thinking lately that I've been obsessing too much about my weight lately. A lot of that has to do with being on the cruise ship, and having not much else to think about. I'm so cut off, isolated from the every day concerns that would normally occupy my time. So, I've been frustrated with trying to lose the last 20-30 pounds that I want to lose. I've hit a brick wall in terms of that, and too too much of my energy has gone to thinking about it, worrying about, all of that.

Here is my new perspective. Instead of thinking at all about the number on the scale (in fact, if I can force myself to do it, I will forgo getting on the scale altogether - this is easier at home, where I don't own a working scale, and can only weigh myself at the gym), I will concentrate on being healthy. This means - eating food that is good for me, eating when I'm hungry, and stopping before I'm too full. I'm not going to get worried if I get hungry sooner than I expected. I'm also not going to wait when I'm hungry for some pre-specified time - this has led to some overeating that has made me feel gross.

I'll continue to take Saturdays off of eating only healthy foods, but I will still make sure to eat when I'm hungry and stop before I'm too full. I will continue my fitness regimen, which I've enjoyed a lot so far. I like the challenge of it, pushing myself to places where I haven't been before physically. I find it very exciting - it's a revelation, having spent most of my life so heavy that any athletic activity would wear me out in a matter of minutes.

Hopefully this is going to help my peace of mind. I've been focusing on my weight far too much lately. I want to be more emotionally balanced about the whole deal. I think if I let the numbers go, and focus on my health, my body will naturally fall into its ideal state.

Well, I've decided not to do resolutions for 2008. I want to remember that, as has been made clear to me over the past couple years, change is not marked by an arbitrary date, but by the actions we take. The last few years have been times of monumental change for me - losing weight, becoming more confident as a performer, as a person, pursuing full time the work that is satisfying and fulfilling to me. My relationship with Carlos ending, pushing me into a new emotional place - more vulnerable, yes, but also more open and more confident. All of these things were made possible not by deciding to do something, but just by doing.

So here are some hopes for the new year:

I've been on this cruise ship for a few months now, and I'll be leaving in less than three weeks to come back to Chicago. Since August of last year, I've been writing songs - stand-alone pop/rock songs - pretty much nonstop, ever since the Mercer workshop. I think I'm becoming a good songwriter. Hopefully, I'll eventually become a great songwriter. Every day, I think of all the things I could write, or work on (and there's always a lot) - but the thing that I'm always drawn to is writing songs. My catalogue is growing, slowly but surely. So - despite the fact that being 28 is perhaps a little late to be a rock star - I'm going to pursue the performance and recording of my own music. I hope to commit a big chunk of time and resources to getting my music out there and allowing my own voice to speak for my creative output. And, maybe 28 is too old to be a rock star, but perhaps not too old to be a rock/pop/country/folk songwriting icon. It's worth a try.

I hope that I continue to find new ways to explore and deepen my relationship with my own good health. Losing weight has been important, but now that's nearly over. Sure, I'd love to lose another twenty pounds. But, at this point, the more important thing is staying healthy in a way that makes me feel alive and excited, not tired and worn down. So, when I get back to Chicago, I want to look into dance classes, into physical theatre, into all the different ways I can stay healthy, so I don't burn out on being a gym rat. Same thing with eating - I want to find new ways to eat healthy, new foods and new recipes, so I don't become bored and slip back into bad habits.

I'm lucky - I'm in love right now. Allen has been an amazing addition to my life, and I hope that grows and becomes all that it could possibly become, that it fulfills all its promise.

I want to not hide. Everyone needs to recharge - but I have a tendency to lock myself away when I am stressed or overwhelmed. I've become better about facing challenges head on, and I want to continue that trend. As long as I recognize that I can deal with whatever comes along, I'll be okay.

I want to spend time with all the amazing people in my life. This cruise contract, I've been pretty good about connecting with people I've haven't seen in a while. I want that to continue. Just like I tend to hide when I'm stressed, I also tend to cut of contact when I need it the most. I hope recognizing that makes me push forward into social interactions that I might not be completely comfortable with, but that make me happier, or stronger, or a better person.

Finally, I want to worry less about my career and future, and more about whether or not what I'm doing is good for my heart. When I take a show, or a gig, I want to make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons. Not because I feel like I can't say no. Not because a friend guilted me into it. I want to do the things that will fulfill me. I am in a position to at least start in that direction. Now's the time to try.

Well, inspired by chilawbear's weight loss retrospective, I decided to do one of my own. It's pretty incredible to me that, two years ago, I was on a cruise ship, just beginning my own weight loss journey. Now, I'm back on a cruise ship, pretty much at the end of it.

( Here ya go )

In other news, less than a month until I'm back on dry land. Weehee!!!!

I've had a weird couple of days.

Part of it has been all this writing. It's pretty intense, writing with a goal of 3000 words a day. I'm six days in, and so far only 2000 words behind that goal. Not that I need to catch up, really, but it's a lot of writing, of a very different type than I've been doing writing songs.

It's really hard not to be second guessing everything I write. Even as I am just trying to keep going, I keep evaluating the kind of novel it is. I keep thinking that it's supposed to be a different kind of book than it is, that I WANT to be writing a surreal literary quirky magically realistic novel, and although it has elements of that, and there is language there that I love, I can feel the thing slipping into genre fantasy, and that's frustrating to me. I'm trying really hard to just keep going, with the knowledge that I can shape it in the rewrite, but wow, that's not easy.

I'm also in a weird place because, well, I'm back on a cruise ship. For me, it's a place of so many changes. Last time I lost a whole lot of weight, entered into what was essentially the end of my relationship with Carlos, and wrote the first draft of a musical.

This time, I'm starting the final stage of managing my weight. I'm getting into weight lifting, trying to figure out my maintenance eating, and settling into some sort of equilibrium all of that shit. I'm writing songs (or I was for the month of October). Now I'm writing a novel.

And I have a boyfriend. That brings up a lot of shit too. Last time, it was so incredibly difficult with Carlos. Now, it's been a year since we broke up. There's not really any blame or bitterness left. But, it's still burned in my memory as a really tough time for me. Our relationship was falling apart, and I didn't understand why. He couldn't give me a reason for his change in feelings, wasn't even really sure how they had changed, and I was still deeply in love with him.

Now, here I am, year and a half later, and I have a wonderful, loving, fantastic boyfriend. He's great, and he loves me. But it's so hard to let go of that feeling - that separation means loss of love, that love can't be sustained when you're apart. We are very much proving that wrong, but I've had some dark moments because of bad memories of my experience last time I was away.

Anyways, that's all sort of accumulated this evening. And it's made me not be able to be sleeping at this moment. And so I'm watching, instead, the movie RV on my cabin television, which is bad bad bad bad bad. It's a thoroughly not-good movie. But it IS enjoyable in a kind of enjoyable bad kind of way.

There's no real arc to this post. I'm just trying to figure it all out.

I'm in Cadiz today. I seriously am a huge fan of Spain. Every stop has been just beautiful and had its own little pockets of fantasy and charm.

AND - I am almost at 14,000 words for NANOWRIMO as of last night. I pooped out on making 15,000 which was my initial goal for yesterday. I'm gonna try to get caught up today and cross the 18,000 words mark. Nose to the grindstone!

Well, I'm sorry I've fallen off of the face of the planet. I've been cruising around europe for about a month now, seeing amazing places and doing amazing things. There's no real way to describe it adequately. Hopefully at some point I will have to time to give it a go.

Here's some quick bits:

Naples - like NYC with ancient buildings thrown in
Rome - COMPLETELY overwhelming, with tons and tons of astounding architecture.
Pisa - Just beautiful. yes, it really leans.
Barcelona - My new home. I love Barcelona. It is a friendly, beautiful, exciting city.
Agadir, Morocco - A complete adventure. I did everything I wasn't supposed to do - I trusted the cab driver, I drank mysterious tea given to me by a stranger, I went into an area where no one spoke English and where I'd never be able to figure out how to get back if I got lost. An incredible day. Nervewracking, but incredible.

Also, I'm doing NANOWRIMO! I'm at 6,108 words. Not too bad, I don't think. Hopefully I can keep it up. I'm enjoying myself - I've definitely grown as a writer since the last time I tackled a project like this (over 5 years ago).

Tomorrow, I am in Las Palmas in the Canary Islands. Hopefully it will be beautiful. I will try to post more, and some pictures of various places as well.

Well, something awesome happened tonight that gave me a little boost and confirmed some recent life decisions. I went to an open mic with paladincub21 and chilawbear to try out some new material. It's part of my new goal to go to an open mic every week and bring in two new songs. Well, I played four of my songs total. And afterwards, a guy who was watching the last two (and who I know to be someone who often performs cabaret around the country) asked me to use one of them in a cabaret in October in New Orleans and then in NYC in the spring!

I am so happy. This is the kind of stuff that I would like to start happening. In terms of songwriting, when people want to perform your songs, then you know that you are on the right path. That's how you get songs out there where you can't personally go.

This is really another step on a road that I started on when I did the Mercer workshop. I've really owed a long post about the workshop, and I just don't know if I have it in me, because I feel like I'm already moving on, moving up, using it all, blah blah blah.

But it kicked my ass, killed my ego, and then rebuilt me again. And in the process it made me understand how important and wonderful songwriting is. And how I want to write songs and perform the songs I write - and have that be my focus.

Since I left the workshop, I've just been writing and writing and loving every second of it. It makes me so happy. And performing my own stuff, that is such a fucking rush. Seeing people react, laugh, whatever, even dismiss. It's so cool.

I don't want to run away from acting. I will still audition for stuff that I REALLY want to do. But I love this. And I love how I feel when my energy is focused on songwriting. And I can't wait to get on the cruise ship and write for four months and come back and rock it out with an awesome cabaret show. And record a CD. And start to really make a name with my music.

So, I'm in the process of designing a kick-ass myspace page for myself as a musician. Basically, I'm marketing myself as a singer-songwriter who really rides the line between cabaret and folk/pop/rock. A good example of this genre would be Rufus Wainwright.

Anyways, I need some ideas. I need to take some new photos, and I want them to look really cool (ie, fun, not actor/cabaret looking, but more cool pop/rock looking). I also need to research how to use backgrounds and shit. And make everything really awesome.

This is really my first step in the direction of creating an image for myself.

So - any ideas? Suggestions?

Well, here I am, having survived an amazing week with an incredibly talented bunch of student songwriters and some truly excellent teachers. I am going to be writing a lot in the coming weeks about this experience, I imagine, as it's going to take me a while to fully integrate everything that happened into my consciousness and my life.

A quick summary of the events of the week as they pertain to me:

Day 1, morning: My first song gets ripped apart. One of the teachers tells me that, on my submission demo, none of the songs were "alive." Both teachers pretty much despise the one I've played.

Day 1, afternoon: My second song is much more successful. It's the America-themed song I wrote for the workshop. Not perfect, but honest, personal, and specific.

Day 2: I listen to other people's incredible songs.

Day 3: I present a BRAND NEW song that I've written in the last 24 hours. It's not good, mainly 'cause it's a first draft, but it's a step in the right direction. There are lots of suggestions about how to make it even better.

Day 4: I have stayed up all night rewriting the song from day 3. Music is completely changed. Significant portions of the lyric are rewritten. It is a COMPLETE success and has by far the best response of anything I presented at the workshop. I decide to do it for my showcase song.

Day 5: Unexpectedly, I am asked to do my America-themed song for the Gala on Day 6. I am incredibly excited, and start rewriting the 5 or 6 lines that I feel like still need work in it. At night, I perform the song from Day 4 for an audience, and it goes over SO well! (Including, I might add, with an adorable boy with whom I am completely smitten.)

Day 6: I perform my America-theme song - I get a couple of the other songwriters to do backup, and it sounds great. I am extremely happy. It all comes to a close, and of course I feel very unsettled emotionally - saying goodbye to these incredible teachers and fellow songwriters, feeling the accomplishment of the past week, feeling the insecurity slipping back in - it's all there.

Now I am home. Next I'll talk about what it all means.

I've been in a songwriting workshop all this week at Northwestern with some amazing amazing people and it has CHANGED MY LIFE. Completely. I haven't had as intense, emotional, perspective-altering series of moments in, well...forever. I am so thankful, as tough as it was on my ego.

I love writing songs.

I've spent the last week in beautiful Wells, ME, mostly hanging out on the beach and going out to eat with my family. It's been really beautiful.

I love my family, but my mom can have a negative effect on my personality at times. Luckily, this week has been pretty good in terms of that. Longer than a week, I think, would be too much. But a week is pretty much right on the nose, in terms of enjoying the company but not wanting to kill them all.

However, I have had a fairly out-of-control eating week. At least in terms of me. Today was the worst - I had a piece of french toast at breakfast, and some fried calamari and baked stuffed shrimp at dinner. These are things that I NEVER eat. But I think the bigger issue lies in the WAY I eat when I'm around them.

I just keep eating. That's how it was in high school when I lived with them. I can't wait to get hungry again - I have to be at least semi-full all the time.

Today was the worst - some days this week were better than others. And I did have a good exercise week, so that helps a bit. But it is so frustrating to feel yourself sliding into those old patterns, old ways of dealing with strong emotions.

I mean, I eat, in part, because I can't say what I feel for fear of offending or hurting my mom. I am frustrated and embarassed by her much of the time, but I can't stand up for myself when those opportunities arise. It's interesting - in THE SOLUTION by Laurel Mellin, she makes a lot of the strength of boundaries, and how those effect your eating. And I think part of the success I have had in losing and keeping off weight in my life is based around finally figuring out how to establish those strong boundaries. And this week with my mom, those have started to erode. It's been a major struggle.

Anyways, I'm coming home tomorrow, hopefully to a feeling of security and safety in the way I've structured my food and my life. That is the definitely the key, for me. Also, I think chilawbear is right. I do need to allow myself to use the support system of people around me when I'm having trouble. My natural tendency is to isolate myself, and clearly that is not helpful.

I also saw zmarlowe this week after a few years, which was really awesome.

Heading back to chi tomorrow. Let's get together, people I know!

So, it seems like since I was in high school, people have been telling me to choose a career path. And I've always had trouble with it. I was accepted into Boston University for vocal performance, but I didn't go because I thought I was supposed to be a lawyer like my parents wanted. Then once I was in college, and I had long given up on doing anything but the arts, I still was faced with constant decisions. Would I sing classically? Act? Write? Compose?

And it seems I'm still there. I love acting, although it has always been couched in a whole lot of insecurity for me. But I had a meeting with someone who you might call my mentor in terms of musical theatre writing. And he gave me the same line as everyone else - eventually you need to decide if this is what you are going to focus on, and let the acting and the directing go.

I guess. I keep railing against the idea of focusing on one thing to the exclusion of everything else. But maybe I AM in the wrong on this one. Perhaps I've been distracted because of all the different projects I've had my hands in.

Part of the problem is, I really do love acting. Even if I don't do it non-stop, like someone would who is intensely pursuing it. And I start to go a little crazy if I don't act ever. But JERRY really did take me away from writing musical theatre for a good chunk of time. And that's probably not a great thing, if that's the thing that I should be doing. I mean, that's the thing I'm REALLY good at. I am a good actor, but I have a talent for lyric writing and composition that I feel pretty damn confident in.

Sigh. I don't know. What the hell - I'm going on a cruise ship for four months (at least) so I might as well focus on writing anyways. I won't be able to do anything else.

i stayed up all night reading harry potter. so now i have to go teach some awful music on one and a half hours of sleep. blech.

all-in-all, though, very worth. i finished it in 5 and a half hours (i started at 1 am) and i loved it, although i did think it was a little bloated. half to work my way through it a little bit slower now, so i can absorb.

hey y'all -

i think i'm gonna do karaoke at mary's attic tonight, if anyone wants to join in!

i'll get there between 10 and 10:30.

So - my recent post departing from beardom was perhaps premature. Or not. I don't know - the funny thing is, I realized after writing that post that there are a whole lot of cubs out there that I do find really attractive. So...I donno. But I did shave off my beard, and I do plan to keep it that way. I like how young and alive I look. So yet more identity stupidness.

Also wrapped up in this is my ex. Which is weird, because it's been quite good lately. We geek out online together, and we went to see Harry Potter with chilawbear and it was quite fun. There are aspects of his personality I am not that fond of, but that's true of all friends, I think. It's just more obvious to me with him because he was my boyfriend for four years. But we are good.

But I do have this urge to run away from bear events and the community that #1 he essentially introduced me to, and #2 he has so many friends in. And so many people he's had sex with in. And that is hard for me. I'm not sure why it is so hard. But it is. And my instinct is just to cut off ties with people, not to go to bear stuff, not to put myself in a place where I need to listen to people talk about him, or who he's slept with, or what he's doing all the time. It's weird, because you'd think that wouldn't happen that often, but it happens a lot.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. The point is, I think, I don't want to lose friends that I love from the community. But I don't know how well I would be received considering how I dress/look/act now. And I don't really feel like Carlos being constantly pushed in my face. And it's my fault too. He's the reason for so many of the connections I have. So of course they are going to want to talk about him, etc.

I want a clean break. I want to feel as new in my social life as I feel in my artistic life, in my physical life, in my emotional life.

Sigh. This seems like an awful lot of drama over nothing here. But it feels big.

Hey y'all - here's what I look like without facial hair. Also - you can see my snazzy new gay haircut in this pic - not super clear, but you'll get the idea. I love the cut. It's totally worth paying the $40 for a real salon. Especially if you are a big fag like me! I think I'm gonna like the 2-3 day scruff look that i am developing.




Much love, lovers!

Hey y'all -

It's been forever since I posted, and I have a lot to say but not much time. So I'm doing bullet points.

#1 - Quit my part-time non-theater job. I'm very happy about it, despite a little freak out with money last month. Looks like everything is lining up well.

#2 - Shaved off my beard. I now have no facial hair for the first time since high school (other than a day or two at a time). This is the first time I've ever done that and I liked what i looked like underneath. It was strange, but I look good.

#3 - I am having an identity crisis. Not feeling the bear community. Shaved off my beard. Not sure where to go next. I believe there must be a middle ground between bear and twink. Normal gay guy bars and clubs and websites. I just don't identify that much with the bear community any more - and I certainly never dressed like a bear. We'll see. Maybe I will just go to karaoke. Every night of the week ;)

#4 - I am going back on a cruise ship in October. It is an AMAZING itinerary. Barcelona, London, Rome, Naples, Nice, Florence. Also a few exotic trips - Casablanca, Malaga, Cadiz, Gibraltar, Canary Islands. I am incredibly excited. And I'm gonna get so much work done.

I guess those are the big things. JERRY is done - at least, I'm done. And I've been exercising every day - running one to four miles a day. I feel great.

Feeling very transitional. Also, am currently without a therapist. But doing pretty good overall.

i am drunk. i have not been this drunk since college.

wow.

i am tired.

i am going to bed. after taking ibuprofen and drinking water.

i think i have 7 jack and cokes in the space of an hour and a half.

but it was a fucking blast. thanks last weekend of JERRY. i love you.

hope i have a voice for tomorrow's show.